Hi Love,
I hope you’ve been doing well and feeling God’s peace around you. We made it home safely from our trip and are slowly settling back into the rhythm of our normal everyday life. I’ve been prayerfully working on the foundation for a few new projects that I’m really excited about. Can’t wait to share more as things come together!
There’s something that’s been on my heart lately that I’ve been processing, and I wanted to share it with you. God recently brought to mind some dear family friends of my parents. And with that a memory of a statue their neighbors had created and gifted them.
It was so unique and a little hard to describe, but it was a statue covered in painted blue eyes all over the body. (I asked my mom to find a photo, so I’m hoping she does, because I’d love to show you.) At the time I remember being drawn to it, though I didn’t quite understand why. But lately it’s been coming back to me, and I’ve been reflecting on it more.
While I do, my mind keeps drifting back to the first summer I spent in China. It was such a new and unfamiliar world for me. It was completely different from anything I had known. One of the biggest adjustments was the way I stood out. As a blonde girl in the middle of a crowd of native Chinese people, I drew attention in a way I wasn’t used to. People would stare (some out of curiosity, some just in passing), but it felt like their eyes were on me everywhere I went.
And as an awkward introvert who’s never enjoyed being the center of attention and who’s carried more than a few insecurities about my body, it was really uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to handle that kind of attention. It felt like every flaw I saw in myself was on display.
Growing up I went through a season where I really struggled with my body image. There was a time when I was overweight, and it significantly shaped the way I saw myself. Somewhere along the way I started picking up unhealthy mindsets and habits. I began believing that I had to look a certain way to be accepted, to be beautiful, to be loved. And the pressure to match what society said I “should” look like felt overwhelming.
So in China, with having to navigate the stares and the cultural differences, it just added another layer to my already fragile self-image. And dealing with that, plus with the perception that everybody was looking at me (which probably wasn’t totally accurate but it was what it felt like), it became too much.
One night I came back from a run. I was all sweaty, out of breath, and completely exhausted. And I remember lying on the floor of my room at my host family’s house in Beijing. I was listening to music, just trying to cool down. As I was lying there the song Beautiful by MercyMe came on.
I don’t know how to explain it, but as the lyrics played, I completely broke down. And in that moment I felt Jesus so near. It was like He wrapped His arms around me and held me right there on the floor. All the lies I had been telling myself (that I wasn’t enough, that I had to be skinny or flawless to be loved, that I had to earn love by being perfect, etc.) all of that suddenly disappeared. I felt His presence wash over me, and for the first time in a long time, I knew I was deeply loved. Not for how I looked. Not for what I did. But simply for who I am.
I wish I could say that moment healed everything, and that all my insecurities vanished for good. But the truth is, I still find myself slipping back into those old thought patterns more often than I’d like to admit. And the belief that I have to be perfect to be worthy of love was something I still had to overcome.
When I was visiting with my mom and sister last week, a mug I got in Nepal came up in conversation. We had gone into a little pottery shop with shelves and tables overflowing with handcrafted pieces. Each were unique in shape, size, design, and color. I remember taking my time looking through them all until I came across a simple brown mug.
It had a natural, earthy feel to it. And what caught my eye was an interesting marking on the rim. It looked as if paint had slowly dripped down the side. It kind of seemed like a mistake, but something about it felt special to me. I loved its uniqueness.
The woman at the shop noticed a tiny chip on the edge and told me I could have it for free. I was pleasantly surprised because the chip didn’t change the value of the mug to me. And to this day it’s still one of my favorite mugs.
When I was reflecting on the mug experience a few days after, God asked me a powerful question: Why can you see beauty in this mug's imperfections but struggle to believe the same about yourself?
That really got to me, because for much of my life I’ve battled that belief that if I wasn’t perfect, I wouldn’t be loved. And that sadly became my reality. I ended up in a relationship where love was conditional. The slightest mistakes weren’t tolerated, I constantly felt like I was never enough, and I lived under the pressure of having to be better, smarter, faster, etc. I was always trying to prove my worth and was threatened to be kicked out and replaced if I couldn’t perfectly meet expectations.
But I’ve learned that God, in His kindness and wisdom, allows us to face our deepest fears so that we can finally break free from them. He revealed to me that my perfectionism wasn’t about excellence. It was about fear. A fear of rejection. And after years of being rejected by someone who was supposed to love me, I finally learned to root my identity in God’s truth alone. I stopped chasing acceptance and started resting in the love of Jesus, the only love that isn’t based on performance.
While I believe it’s important to always strive to improve yourself to reach your full potential in life, we should never surround ourselves with people who can’t fully love us as we are in the present.
I’ve also learned that our imperfections are not something to be ashamed of. They are what make us human. They are what make us relatable. They are what allow us to connect deeply with others. And the truth is that if we were all “perfect” we wouldn’t need grace and we wouldn’t need each other.
I recently heard something related on the radio that made me pause. The speaker said, "Focus on the roots, not the flower." They explained that instead of chasing outward beauty, achievements, or people’s approval, we should focus on developing deep, strong roots like character, faith, and integrity. Because when the roots are strong, the flower will take care of itself.
That really resonated with me and it made me realize that when I focus on my roots (trusting God, deepening my faith) the fear of rejection fades. But when I focus on the flower (being perfect, pleasing people) I fall right back into that cycle of fear.
All of this has made me reflect more deeply on today’s culture, especially with the way social media has shaped how we see ourselves and each other. In so many ways, we’re living in a world where it feels like there are always eyes on us. We’re constantly being watched, compared, and evaluated.
And even if we know it’s not the full picture, it’s hard not to feel the pressure. The pressure to present ourselves a certain way. To look polished. To be seen as successful, put together, beautiful, or desirable. It’s like we’ve traded the quiet gift of being known for the exhausting pursuit of being liked.
I think a lot of us are silently aching under the weight of it all. And yet, deep down, what we really want isn’t more attention...it’s to be seen in a deeper way. To be loved not because we fit a mold or look perfect, but because we’re real.
This reminds me of 1 Samuel 16:7: “For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” It’s comforting to remember that while people may focus on how we look, God sees our heart. He doesn’t measure us by perfection or performance, but by our heart condition and who we are when no one else is watching.
I also recently heard someone talk about how any fear is really a lack of trust in God. It’s self-reliance. It’s believing that we have to make things happen instead of trusting Him to take care of us. Obedience to God matters more than anything else. Sometimes it means doing things differently, and in a way that doesn’t seem “normal” to others. But I personally would rather be misunderstood by people than disobey God.
Some days I feel strong and full of purpose, like I’m part of a great work that’s unfolding (something that’s bigger than I can see). Other days that confidence comes and goes, and I find myself questioning if I’m really enough for the things God has placed in my heart.
But in those moments of doubt, I remind myself that God only knows the fullness of the story He’s writing in me. He knows who I am. He knows the beginning, the end, and every step in between. And if He’s in control, I can trust that even the parts I don’t understand are leading somewhere beautiful.
So if you’ve ever felt like you’re somehow both too much and not enough at the same time, you are not alone and just remember you are deeply loved as you are — beautifully imperfect and wonderfully made.
I love you.
Jeanie
P.S. Sunflowers have always been my favorite. There’s something about the way they turn toward the light that feels deeply symbolic to me. I once dreamed of growing an entire field of them. Isn’t this so beautiful?
