Preparing for the Wedding

What does faithful preparation look like when the path is still unknown?

Love,

My mom gave me some cute new pajamas, so I’m all comfy cozy and trying to finish up a little work before bed. I’ve got this headband on that the boys keep insisting makes me look like a princess lol, and I’m drinking some peach sparkling water that tastes quite refreshing.

I’m out in the garage right now, enjoying my little setup. I hung a string of warm white Christmas lights out here (you know me and my lighting...), and it actually feels really peaceful. You’ve been on my mind of course, and over the past few days I’ve been thinking about all the things I want to share with you.

The other day I listened to this interview, and I found it really insightful. Not just for physical weight loss, but for the emotional and spiritual weight we carry too (our beliefs, our habits, our identity). One thing that came to mind while I was watching was the poverty mindset, and how it can shape the way we see ourselves, our options, and even what we think we deserve. I also thought this clip tied in with the same themes they were talking about.

Over the past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about whether guys and girls can truly be just friends. I thought this perspective was wise for both men and women. For me personally, I don’t feel comfortable being close friends with men (other than in the future those who are friends with my husband). That’s why I’ve been avoiding communication with men altogether. I just don’t want anyone else to take a place in my life that belongs to my husband, even if we’re separated. I really believe men deserve that kind of respect.

The wreath-making event the other day was really fun! I loved learning how to put everything together, and the wreaths turned out so beautifully. I also enjoyed visiting with one of my mom’s good friends. She used to be their neighbor and recently moved back to the area. She and her husband flip homes, and she was telling me about how they move almost every year. They sell the house with all the furniture still in it, and only take what they can fit in their car. I was smiling while she was talking because it brought back so many memories — moving every few months, living out of hotels, packing the car with all our stuff and the dogs, and eventually the kids too...

I’ve actually been reflecting on all of that lately, because I realized we’ve still been moving every few months this past year. Now that we’ve already been here almost four months, I can feel myself getting a little antsy to move again. I guess some things from the past really stick with you.

But we really do like it here, and I only want to move if God makes it clear that we need to. For now, I’m thinking it makes sense to stay at least until the school year is finished, and then see where God leads — whether that’s staying or going somewhere new.

My mom’s friend was also telling me about a book she just finished writing. It’s based on that quote from Flavia Weedn: “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”

She interviewed more than thirty people for the book, asking about relationships, connection, and what makes certain people stand out in our lives. She shared a bit of what she learned, and it really does sound fascinating. One person explained their relationships in terms of a theatre — some people are on stage with us, some are in the front row, some sit up in the balcony, and some shift around from one season to another. I thought that was such a creative way to think about it.

Many of the people who live here are a bit older, and the topic of hip replacements has come up a few times. It reminded me of this video clip I saw a few months ago, and it really brought me back to how important it is to make my health a priority. With the kids, I don’t get much time to myself during the day, and it’s so easy to fill those little pockets with writing, reading, praying, cleaning, or catching up on all the small tasks. But this week, I’ve been trying to make exercise more of a priority.

These past few days, when our youngest goes down for his nap, I’ve been slipping out for a run around the neighborhood loop before I let myself do anything else. It’s only a few miles, but it’s hilly enough to feel like a real workout. I’m honestly a little embarrassed to say how out of shape I am. The first couple runs were rough, but it’s already starting to get easier. It kind of reminds me of running the Dish at Stanford, which I always loved.

Cardio is good, but I also want to focus on strength training because I know how important it is to build muscle. So I’m planning to add in some weight lifting too. I also really want to get a punching bag and start boxing. I was researching different options the other night. I think it could be really therapeutic for me, and also a great workout.

Something happened yesterday that reminded me how many copycats are out there. It’s frustrating, but there’s not much you can do about it. I guess it just means we have to be extra discerning.

Yesterday was one of those days where being a mom took a lot out of me. I hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself too. Getting good sleep, drinking water, eating enough...all the little things that really matter.

My sister got our youngest a fun wooden set of musical instruments, and the boys have been singing and dancing to Joy to the World while they play. It’s so cute to watch.

If what I think has been going on is actually happening, I need to be honest and let you know that I’m really disappointed. I truly believed you had the character to know better. It makes me want to keep my distance. And if you’re not fully honest with me, it will only push me farther away.

I realize I might sound paranoid, and I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding, but I honestly don’t know what to believe right now. I can’t tell whether the changes I’m discerning are real or something meant to manipulate me. Praying that time will reveal the truth.

You know I’ll always forgive you. But at the same time, I am hurt and really confused about what’s been happening. I feel used, and I’m still processing the rejection. And right now, God is asking me to focus on a few things before we can even consider the possibility of being together.

I don’t really know what the future looks like for us anymore. I’m asking God for clarity and trying to trust Him as much as I can in the process. I’m honestly confused about who I’m even writing to and who these words are meant for, but I’m doing my best to stay encouraged and remain obedient.

I’m starting to get used to the silence and the isolation, but it still feels like I’m flying blind. And I’m doing my best to trust God with the uncertainty.

God hasn’t shown me clearly who my husband is. You’ll always hold a place in my heart, but while we’re separated, I have to make decisions with that in mind and follow what God is revealing. I’ve given Him full control of my heart. And to be completely honest, I’ve been struggling with that, because sometimes it feels like He isn’t giving me the clarity I’m asking for. It’s been a really painful process.

It is kind of interesting that I ended up being the one who was never legally married and never actually exchanged wedding vows. We talked about getting married at Lake Tahoe, but things kept getting in the way. And now it feels like God had a purpose for that all along.

If we had ever actually exchanged vows, things would be different right now. But calling someone your wife without the covenant and without the responsibility of protecting and providing puts the relationship at risk. I never wanted it to be this way. I’m just trying to be obedient to what God is asking me to do and say.

I understand the hesitation around legal marriage, especially with how the current system can put men at a disadvantage in some ways. But God’s been showing me a few possible solutions. I’ll share them with you in my next letter.

I’m doing my best to keep the future in mind and the possibility that we might still end up together. But I also want to apologize in advance if anything I do causes you pain. I’m genuinely trying to make the choices that are best for both of us and, above all, follow God’s direction.

And if you are my husband, I’m sorry if anything I do ever looks like I’m choosing someone else. I’m just doing my best to follow God step by step. I’m sorry, and I’ll always love you.

Even though I continue to write these letters, the truth is you lost me the moment you chose other women over me. And if any part of you would rather be with them than with me, then please choose them. I don’t want you to feel forced or obligated.

God is leading me down a path where, if we ever ended up together again, you’d have to fight for it. But I don’t want you to go through that unless you know without a doubt that you want me. I never wanted things to unfold this way, but God hasn’t given me another choice. And He keeps reminding me how important it is to treat others the way we want to be treated.

I felt like this was an important message for all women to remember, including me. I really do try to stay positive and focus on constructive feedback, and I’m truly sorry if I ever crossed a line with my words or caused more harm than good. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

And if there are any contentious women being disrespectful, projecting, accusing, or refusing to take responsibility for their actions, I will keep them on my radar and pay attention to anything God shows me. It makes my blood boil when women act like that.

When Jesus returns, the warrior bride will rise and fight for her Bridegroom. But it’s important to note that our stories may be slightly different until the one and only Jesus returns. God designed men to pursue women (submissive and loving women), not the other way around.

Last night, our oldest was asking me where that Christmas book was because he wanted to read it before bed. I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. Then a little later, our youngest discovered it tucked behind one of the pillows, along with my alarm clock and my old phone. So apparently he hid it and then asked me where it was like he had no idea. I’m not sure why he’s doing that, but he eventually admitted to hiding it.

A couple nights ago, we were all sleeping in bed and our youngest suddenly woke up saying, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” over and over, and then he kissed me on the cheek. It was totally out of the blue, but so sweet.

Both of the boys have been doing and saying some interesting things lately. If you truly love me, you’ll find a way to work things out. Because you are going to have to fight to get me back. And you’re going to have to work together to do it.

I’ve been doing some thinking, and you two are actually more similar than I realized. Your personalities are different, but you have more in common than I first thought. I think you should be able to get along pretty well.

I know I can come across like I’m strong and independent and none of this gets to me. But the truth is, I really need you right now. I’m a little scared, and it helps more than you know just knowing you’re there.

On the 21st, there’s going to be a winter solstice luminary parade here to celebrate the longest night of the year and the return of the light. We bought lights for the kids to wear and made a lantern last weekend. It should be really fun. Santa Ship is happening that day too. And for some reason, the past few days I’ve been thinking about one of my sister’s favorite Christmas songs — All I Want for Christmas Is You.

Yesterday my mom sent me a message saying that the second part of Wicked, For Good, is showing at the local movie theatre this weekend, and I think next weekend too. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go, but it does sound good.

I’m going to be sharing some important things about the future before the end of the year. With God, there’s nothing to fear, but I also want to give you a heads up that He’s asking me to walk into no man’s land. And once I do, there won’t be any turning back.

Please don’t forget why God brought you to this country. Someone shared this with me a few days ago. I really would hate for anything like that to happen. I just want to remind you that if God brought you here for a purpose, He’ll keep you here. And if that purpose is ever fulfilled or changes, He’s more than able to lead you wherever you need to be.

If you’re willing to cooperate and work together, I believe God will honor that and bring the miracle you’re hoping for. He can restore what was lost and make sure everyone is reunited with the person they love and with their children and families.

So if you haven’t already, please take some time to reread my letters and notes carefully. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. Sometimes I don’t even realize what I’m writing in the moment. I’m simply sharing my life and whatever God puts on my heart. But so many times when I go back and read it later, God opens my eyes to things I didn’t see before. There are a lot of hidden things He reveals to hearts that stay humble and willing.

I started watching this message from Jeremiah the other night, but I ended up falling asleep before I finished. It was really good, so I need to go back and finish it.

I also recently started practicing my Chinese on Duolingo before bed, but I keep forgetting, and the app has been sending me all these notifications I’ve been ignoring. But learning languages is good for my brain, so I really should keep up with it.

This also stood out to me today for a few different reasons. Would you please pray about it?

God has been hinting that there may be a time in the near future when I need to shift gears and stop posting for a while. So just keep that in mind and think about anything you might need to prepare if that does happen.

I want to remind everyone of the Scripture: “Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.” God takes that seriously, but mercy is always available to those who turn back to Him.

I’m sorry Love, I have to do this for the boys’ future. Praying for the day God brings us back together. God led me to James 5 tonight, and I pray it gives you a bit of hope for what’s ahead.

Thank you for loving me like I am. And please hold on to me. I need a hero. Because what are we without love.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. I know this is difficult. And I hope no one is making you question your obedience to the Lord or your ability to hear His voice. He truly does live in all of us.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” — Proverbs 3:5-6