Learning to Fly

What must be untied before we can truly fly?

Love,

The other day while I was doing laundry at my parents’ place, my mom and I wandered into one of those unexpected conversations. We were talking about the neighbors, and somehow their nephew came up. She mentioned that he used to be a bus driver for the Newsboys at one point, which I thought was kind of interesting. And then she shared that when they started sorting out their will, he began visiting their house a lot more often.

I just wanted to reassure everyone that I’m feeling really good and don’t have any known health concerns. One thing I asked for this Christmas was a little help with getting my blood work done, simply so I can take a closer, proactive look at my health and make any changes needed long-term. But right now, I genuinely feel great and am doing well.

And just so there’s no confusion or concern, I’m not dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, or any mental health struggles. In fact, I’m the most peaceful and content I’ve ever been. Being in God’s presence has brought a joy and stability I can’t really put into words.

But God forbid anything were to ever happen to me, I want it to be known that I have asked my biological sister to take responsibility for the boys. I would not trust anyone else.

No weapon formed against my family will prosper. We are chosen for such a time as this. And moving forward, we will stand together and fight to make sure every single member stays connected, protected, and is not lost or deceived by the enemy (no matter what happens to me).

Not long after we moved to Alaska, Grace and I had a conversation about the possibility that she might one day end up back with Craig. The main reason she felt that was because she had exchanged vows with him and truly believed he was her husband. I remember telling her that it would be unwise to go back unless he had truly changed. And that it would take a miracle and probably something equivalent to time in prison to humble his stubborn and prideful heart. I’ve always hoped she really took that seriously.

The story of Lot’s wife came to mind the other day, and it was a good reminder to be careful not to look back. It’s important to follow God’s instructions and wait on His timing.

To be fully honest, so far there are a few people God has placed on my heart as possible candidates for my future husband. At the same time, I’m committed to not looking back or engaging in anything prematurely or in a way that would go against His guidance. I truly believe His timing matters, and moving ahead of Him only puts us at risk and opens the possibility of birthing an Ishmael.

The Lord has also been highlighting an incident from the past when Grace and a mutual guy friend went behind her sister’s back to stage a prank that made it appear her sister’s dog was lost. I don’t fully understand how something like that could feel funny, knowing how frightening that would be. And I truly hope she turns away from that kind of behavior.

There were a few times when jealousy seemed to be present around Grace, and at first it felt close enough to my own emotions that I assumed it was mine. So I took it to God and repented, asking Him to show me anything in my own heart that needed to change. But immediately after doing so, God gave me clarity that the jealousy I was sensing wasn’t rooted in me. I’m still learning how to discern what I’m feeling, what’s mine, and how God speaks to me through my emotions.

When it comes to jealousy, I’ve learned it can really cloud people’s judgment and cause people to act in ways that don’t reflect who they truly are. One example that comes to mind is when a car key was hidden to prevent me from borrowing a friend’s car. It was confusing and hurtful at the time.

I’ve extended a lot of grace to people, and I’ll continue to do so. But if my character is being misrepresented in the dark, I will speak the truth in the light. And my prayer is that it ultimately leads us to healing and reconciliation.

I was hoping my birthday message to her a few weeks ago might help open the door to mending our relationship, but I completely understand if she needs more time.

The Bible encourages us to desire spiritual gifts, and when I was getting to know Grace, she mentioned that she had some. That was all very new to me at the time, and I’ll admit it stirred a bit of jealousy in my own heart because I wanted those gifts too.

But when we were all together, I hardly had time to think about any of that with so much on my shoulders. And there were moments when I felt a bit envious that Grace had the freedom to spend her days praying, writing, drawing, exercising, resting, and just being with the dogs, while my days felt nonstop and full of responsibility.

When Craig and I argued and I found myself sent to the garage or the basement, it was frustrating at first. It felt like I was being treated like a child. But once I was there, I felt a lot more peace being separated from him. And it gave me space to mentally rest and breathe, even if it was just for a short while.

I know that Grace’s living conditions were really difficult, and she should never have had to experience that. I hate that she went through it, and I carry a lot of regret about it. At the time, I honestly didn’t know what else to do. Craig didn’t want her living with him, and because Grace never made it seem like she was unhappy where she was, I thought it was best to protect her peace and keep her away from the daily verbal and physical abuse she would’ve been exposed to if she’d been around him.

If she had ever asked for help, even once, or made it clear she couldn’t live that way, I would have figured out a better solution so she didn’t have to endure it. I asked her often if she was okay or if she needed anything, and she always said she was fine. That honestly shocked me, because I couldn’t understand how she had the strength to do it. I know I wouldn’t have.

I just want to share that I felt God leading me not to initiate help, because this was a season for you to learn how to stand up for yourself. I truly hope you’re able to do that now. I’m writing this for Grace, but also for others.

After my run yesterday, my mom and I started planning our family Christmas reunion, especially the menu. We’re going to be making lots of delicious food, which should be so fun. At our last holiday gathering, I cooked Indian food for everyone and they all loved it, so my sister asked me to make it again this year. I’m really excited about that.

I’m also planning to make my vegan broccoli cheddar soup. I haven’t made it in a long time, so I’m really looking forward to it. I actually do enjoy cooking when I have the time, and it’ll be nice to have family around to entertain the kids so I can really focus on it.

Recently I was reflecting on a time when I started having intrusive thoughts of suicide while I was around a friend, and how those thoughts disappeared once I left. It really opened my eyes to how vulnerable the mind can be to outside influences when we’re not discerning, and how that vulnerability can shape our behavior and choices.

About a month ago, I was at the store and suddenly had a strong craving for Wasa crispbread crackers. It was a bit strange because I’ve never bought them for myself before, but I decided to go ahead and get some. When we got home I ate some with peanut butter, and as I was eating, it hit me that this was exactly something Grace used to love. She was the one who introduced me to those crackers, and she always loved peanut butter. My mind went down a brief trail of overthinking potential scenarios why God was highlighting Grace to me in that moment. One random question popped into my head about whether someone was trying to make it seem like I was her. I didn’t have any real evidence for that though. It was just one of those quick, passing thoughts.

There were other times I would have thoughts and do mannerisms that reminded me of Craig. That got me thinking too...why is God highlighting both Grace and Craig to me? And why am I randomly acting like both of them?

Recently, I’ve noticed I’ve felt a little more drawn to alcohol, which is very out of character for me since I typically don’t drink at all. By that I just mean I had one glass of wine at Thanksgiving and a White Claw the other night while I was writing. Still, it stood out to me because it’s not my usual pattern, and I’m not entirely sure why it’s being brought to my attention right now. Craig and I rarely drank together. I could count the times on one hand. Although he would sometimes drink a bit during the holidays and then stop once the new year came.

With Thanksgiving and all the birthdays over the past few weeks, I’ve been eating a lot of sugar. I definitely have a sweet tooth, so it’s one of those things I usually try to avoid because it’s hard for me to stop once I start. I’m trying to take a little break from it now until closer to Christmas.

Another thing that stood out to me and CJ the other day was Starbucks coffee, specifically the ones you can buy at the store, but also the brand in general.

Woodstock was also highlighted to me around the same time. I think in reference to the music festival.

Also, a No Smoking sign from a picture I took on the ferry last month, and I just want to emphasize the importance of not smoking in any form.

Regarding the above, it’s important to consider this not only from a personal perspective, but also in how it may be affecting the Bride as a whole.

My approach has been to stay observant by paying attention to my environment, what people are saying, my own thoughts, my own emotions, and anything that feels out of character for me. I take all of that in, and then I prayerfully think through what it might mean as I try to discern God’s direction.

A few days ago on the drive to school pickup, I found myself thinking about soul ties. I’ve prayed several times this past year asking God to cleanse me from any unhealthy or ungodly connections, and the more I reflect on it, the more I feel led to keep that as a simple nightly prayer. I think soul connections are more subtle (and more easily formed) than we sometimes realize.

We also don’t always know who someone else is connected to. We might be close to someone who genuinely wants the best for us, and yet they could knowingly or unknowingly be carrying connections that influence things in ways we don’t see.

Sometimes I wonder how much influence people can really have on each other through videos, posts, and content online. I don’t think we fully realize how much access we give people to our thoughts and emotions through the internet, and how that exposure can shape the way we think and behave over time. It feels especially important to be mindful of this in today’s culture with the increase in witchcraft. I don’t understand everything about how all of that works, but I do know how important it is to take our thoughts captive and continually bring them back to God.

As I was falling asleep last night, I found myself thinking about how the only connection we really need to focus on is our connection with Jesus. He knows exactly who to bring into our lives and when. When we keep our minds anchored in Him, He becomes the filter for everything else.

And if there is a soul connection meant to be in our lives, God will ensure it remains. So we don’t need to worry, because if someone is truly meant to be in our lives God will make sure their soul comes back to us.

I think we should pray for each other regarding this as well. Because there may be times when it’s hard for one of us to do that.

I was singing in the spirit a few days ago, and I found myself thinking about the rebound friend. You know, the guy someone might lean on after a breakup. It made me reflect on how complicated those situations really are. And it made me wonder why some men stay in that role instead of pursuing commitment in their own relationships. I found myself curious about what need that really fills for them.

And then there’s the whole layer of emotional and spiritual attachment that comes with intimacy. When people get close emotionally or physically, bonds naturally form, and it can get especially messy when there’s already an ex involved.

I especially kept thinking about how important it is to move with extra care when kids are involved, because they’re already trying to process loss and change. Stability and honesty matter so much in those moments.

This video clip has also been highlighted to me the past week.

During my time with God yesterday, I was reflecting on the fire of God. In the Old Testament, we often see His fire associated with judgment against the enemies of His people. But under the new covenant, His fire is at work within His people to refine, purify, and protect us. There is so much darkness in the world that without God’s presence and covering, it is easy to be overwhelmed. Even when His refining work feels uncomfortable, it is still a sign of His love. And as we grow in Him, we learn how to abide in His presence with greater peace and maturity.

The past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about different aspects of my process, and I can tell it still needs refining, but these are some initial thoughts.

I feel it’s important to end the day by asking God to cleanse my heart and release any unhealthy connections I may be carrying. And then when I wake up, take a moment to bring my thoughts and dreams before God and ask Him to renew my heart and mind for the day.

For the first few hours of the morning, I plan to avoid checking my phone or social media so I can stay fully present with God and more easily tune into my own thoughts and His voice. So when I start interacting with the world later, I’ve already built a strong foundation with God, which will help give me greater discernment as I navigate things that come up throughout the day.

Another thought I had for the future is creating a space that’s set apart just for prayer and being with God, maybe a small shed or part of the garage. And before any interaction in that space, I’d want to begin with prayer and spiritual cleansing. That way everything stays centered on God’s presence and peace during the interaction.

I know this might sound a bit intense, and it’s not coming from fear of the outside world. I do value community and connection. I just deeply care about protecting my connection with God, and there may come a season when having a space that’s fully set apart for Him will feel especially needed.

I honestly don’t care much about gifts themselves. What matters most to me is being close to God and spending as much time with Him as I can. Any gift that comes is simply a result of that closeness. And I’ve learned that with spiritual gifts often comes greater responsibility and spiritual resistance, so it’s something to approach with humility and wisdom. God led me to 1 Corinthians 12, and it reminded me that what matters most isn’t the gifts themselves, but staying connected to Him and to one another in love.

The boys got into a fight today, and our youngest grabbed his head and started pulling at his hair. It brought back memories from when I was living with Craig, because there were moments back then when the stress felt so overwhelming it made me feel like I was losing my mind. A couple of times, I remember dragging my nails down my face in frustration, and it would leave marks that stayed for weeks.

There were also a few times when I would try to fall asleep and suddenly feel overwhelmed with fear. I couldn’t even keep my eyes closed. I’d have to open them and pray before trying again.

I know it might seem like I have an iron heart right now, but I’m starting to feel I need to keep my heart in full lockdown mode while I’m still learning to fly. I hope one day we can kiss the sky together. And thank you in advance, truly, for understanding and for helping save me from the fate of Ophelia.

I’m trusting God with the timing of everything and believing He will bring the right person into my life when the moment is right. I’m sorry, Love. This is the path God is leading me on. Thank you for setting me free and helping me learn how to fly.

And when you’re feeling lost, just keep looking for the moon. I’ll always be praying for you and with you in spirit.

This also stood out to me a few months ago. I got quite emotional, and God wanted me to share it with you. I don’t know exactly what it means, and only God knows what the future holds. And He’s been reminding me that sometimes what seems tragic is actually a blessing in disguise. But I also want to tell you in advance how much I appreciate all your love and support, and thank you for being so strong. You are my hero.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. I came across this today, which is just another example of the blasphemy in our culture. We don’t need Kimmandments. We simply need to love God and love others as we would love ourselves.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” — Proverbs 3:5-6