Bringing It Into the Light

What healing begins when truth is no longer hidden?

Love,

When we turned the clocks back this weekend, it made me think about this time last year in Alaska and how dark the winters get there. I actually really liked it. The darkness made it easier to sleep. I had been running on barely four hours of sleep for so long, and I was completely exhausted. I kept falling asleep during the day or at night while I was working or putting the boys to bed. I even fell asleep on the toilet once. I remember waking up so disoriented, like I had no idea where I was. It was really bad. So finally getting six or more hours of sleep at night felt like such a blessing. And the long, dark evenings made everything feel calm and cozy.

Yesterday my mom messaged me to ask how I was doing. I told her I’m mostly okay, but also that I’ve been really angry all day. If this were only about me, I probably would have let it go a long time ago. It’s just not worth losing my energy or peace over. I don’t care what’s been said or how people see me. They’re free to think what they want. But this isn’t just about me. It’s about the boys. And I will not leave a single stone unturned until I figure out what has been going on.

I saw an ad for the American Girl dolls, and it instantly took me back to my sixth birthday. I had been flipping through those magazines for what felt like forever, completely obsessed with Samantha. When my parents actually gave her to me, I was in total shock. I just froze and started shaking because I couldn’t believe it was really happening. My older sister had to rush over and help me because I was so overwhelmed in the moment.

My mom got rid of most of my things when my parents sold our childhood home in Illinois, but she told me she saved a box of my stuff somewhere around here. I’m hoping Samantha is in there.

When I was leaving the nursery at church yesterday, the lady who runs Sunday school handed me a cup full of snacks that our oldest didn’t finish. She mentioned he eats very slowly, which is true. He can be pretty picky, and getting him to eat can be a bit of a challenge sometimes. I’ve been working on it with him, and his teacher has been helping too. But our youngest loves food and was more than happy to finish it all for him.

After church, we stopped by a community clothing drive at the Christian school gym. The whole gym was filled with tables of clothes, and everything was free. It was such a wonderful thing for them to organize. I found a few good items for the boys, and then I started looking for myself. I came across this really nice oversized vest and thought it would be perfect for layering. Then I realized I’d been browsing through the plus-size section by mistake. But I liked it anyway, so I decided to take it with me.

I also found a really cute turtleneck. I love wearing them, even in the warmer months, which probably makes me a little weird. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that having my neck covered just makes me feel more comfortable and secure. I read somewhere that the neck is one of the most vulnerable parts of the body, which is why some people tend to touch or cover it when they’re feeling anxious, insecure, stressed, or fearful. So...maybe that’s something to talk about with a therapist someday.

My dad and our oldest went to pick up a door in the part of the island they call the Ozarks. I had to take the car seats out, so I used the chance to vacuum the car and the seats since it had been about a week or so. It always feels so nice when the car is clean and free of crumbs, pine needles, dirt, and everything else we end up tracking in.

Every time I hear about the Ozarks, I’m reminded of Kanakuk Kamps, which is a Christian summer camp I went to for twelve years growing up. I loved it so much. It was always such a fun and special place. We used to stop and visit my grandma in Missouri on the way there, which made those trips even better. For the longest time, I actually thought “camp” was spelled with a K because of Kanakuk.

On a related thought, my name was legally changed to Chiara, with a slightly different spelling for my last name too. But online we used the name Kiara as the brand for design projects. He controlled all the online profiles and handled the client side of things, while I focused on the design work.

The Little Bear Movie came up today, which always reminds me of living at the house in Georgia in the fall of 2021. It was the first house we ever bought together. We moved to Nashville that December, but I always longed to move back to Georgia. I just loved that house and the property so much more.

For some reason, red hair has really been standing out to me today. I don’t know why, because I’ve never seriously thought about dyeing my hair that color. Maybe it could look good? I’m just not sure I could actually go through with it. I’ve always leaned more toward blonde.

You know those “tear here” lines on food packages? Today I was opening a bag of cashews and I tore it exactly on the line...and it still didn’t open. So I ended up grabbing scissors and cutting it anyway. I think that might actually be one of my biggest pet peeves. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like some of those packages could be designed better? Please tell me I’m not the only one who struggles with this.

This week I’ve been reflecting on how powerful our thoughts can be and how the enemy often tries to attack them. When I was in college, I used to have these thoughts that one day I’d be separated from my family. I also remember thinking, for reasons I couldn’t explain, that I might die at a young age. So when Craig made me cut contact with my family and would threaten to kill me or make me want to kill myself, I started to believe maybe that was just how things were meant to be. It’s so crazy that I would think that, but I didn’t understand the spiritual battle of the mind back then. Looking back, it’s so clear that was the enemy trying to come against God’s good plans for my life.

There was a time when I lost hope of ever seeing my family again. But I now see how God never stopped working behind the scenes, and He really does make all things beautiful in His time.

He had threatened me throughout our entire relationship, but in the months before his arrest, things became really stressful and scary. He told me he was going to separate me from the family and that I’d have to stay at our house in Nashville while his girlfriend, Andria, took care of the kids. And if we moved to California, he said I’d never be allowed to leave the house, and he’d hire a nanny to take them out instead. He even threatened to kill me or abandon me. There were so many terrifying things said and done to me.

And I had to start rebuking all those thoughts. I kept saying over and over, I will not be separated from my children. God would never want children to be taken from their mother without cause. So I began declaring His promises over my life and rejecting anything that went against them.

The only other thing I did was pray. Starting at the beginning of September, I made it a point to pray every day for everyone involved, all of our families, for healing and restoration, and most importantly, for God’s will to be done.

A couple weeks after I started praying, Andria suddenly disappeared from our house in Nashville. She didn’t say a word. One day everything seemed normal, and the next day she was just gone. We were all shocked and really worried about what might have happened. About a week later, on September 20th, the police and FBI showed up at our house.

I did nothing to bring this upon him. All I did was pray, speak the truth, follow the law, and do everything I could to protect the boys.

God is a jealous God, and when His children find themselves in environments that aren’t good for them, He steps in. Sometimes that means removing us from places or people that pull us away from Him or lead us deeper into sin. His love is too strong to let us stay where we’re being harmed or drawn away from His purpose.

I really struggled with the thought of separating the boys from their father. It was far from ideal, and I was doing everything I could to make it work. I also knew that if it was truly God’s will, He would make a way for it to happen without me having to force anything. So all I did was pray. Because when something is truly God’s will, you don’t have to force it or make it happen yourself. All you need to do is pray, stay obedient to what He’s asking of you, and stand firm on His promises. In His perfect timing, He’ll make sure everything unfolds exactly as it’s meant to.

I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to share this, and honestly, it makes me uncomfortable because I value people’s privacy and want to be respectful. But over the past few days, I’ve felt the Lord prompting me to bring some things into the light. My hope is that by sharing, it might help someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation.

(It’s been a while since I’ve used Figma, so it took me a minute to get used to the new UI. I actually like the updates though. The floating toolbars remind me a little of the Notability redesign.)

Can we please set aside everything else and focus on what’s truly best for the boys? In what world would it make sense to remove them from the mother who has been with them every single day since they were in her womb? How could that possibly benefit them?

I have no words for anyone who would try to separate children from a loving, capable mother who has done nothing wrong and has given her all to care for them. If anyone chooses to take part in, or remain silent about, an effort to separate me from my children after knowing the truth and all we’ve been through, may the Lord Himself rebuke you.

If their father truly wants to be part of their lives, he’ll need to bring it before God. Because I can only do what the Father leads me to do. I do hope that one day he’ll be able to have a relationship with them again. And if God confirms that it’s right, I won’t hesitate to open that door, but only when He gives me the green light.

I woke up this morning singing The More We Work Together. If we work together, we can help God bring things back into alignment with His will. I just want to encourage and remind everyone to listen closely to His voice and stay obedient, even when it’s hard.

My brother and sister both suggested that I reach out to Betty to help clear things up. I contacted her last fall and explained what had been going on. She was very kind and supportive. She said she had sensed something wasn’t right and was relieved to hear I was getting the help I needed. At the time, she thought it might be best to let the court system handle things, but lately I’ve been feeling like I might need to involve her again. Please keep her in your prayers. I’m a bit worried she may have been or will be threatened in some way.

Also, if anyone is claiming to be Adrienne, please stop and repent.

The other day, our oldest was building a tower out of books on one of the counters. He was so proud of it and couldn’t wait to show me. But I started to worry as I saw some of the books beginning to fall, and I told him to take it down before it knocked over the delicate things around it.

I was reminded of the Tower of Babel. And it made me think about how sometimes we try to build things, but we don’t always have the same perspective God does. And sometimes, He can’t allow what we’re building to stand or be successful, because He sees the ways it could cause harm to something precious to Him.

I just want to remind you that your healing and family restoration will come, so don’t ever doubt it. God will bring it about in ways you’ve dreamed of and even beyond what you’ve imagined. Don’t listen to the lies of the enemy. God is simply taking the time to put every piece in its perfect place.

Grace be with you all.

With love, Jeanie

P.S. I don’t care if people think I’m crazy, overreacting, or have avoidant attachment issues. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. What this situation has taught me is that I can only rely on God. Even if that means standing alone, I’m okay with that. I’m done tolerating what’s evil or pretending it’s okay. I will do whatever it takes to expose it and let God handle the judgement.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” — Proverbs 3:5-6